how to sound smart watching a football game

Published on 11/23/2006 in THE POST-STAR Go
(co-authored by Charles Fiegl)

It's that time of year, when family and friends gather together around the table and give thanks ... although in a lot of houses, we're talking a coffeetable and being grateful for touchdowns.

If you aren't a football fan, suggest turning off the television and playing Pictionary instead.

When your relatives are done laughing at you, join them on the couch and try using a few of these comments throughout the game. You'll fit right in.

1) "That guard is holding!" It's exactly what it sounds like -- players often grab each other during the game, and it's often against the rules. Try to resist synonyms. "He's goosing the other guy!" may be true, but it won't earn you any respect.

2) "Come on, Ref!" Keep an eye on the guy in black and white stripes (actually, you should probably just retire to the kitchen if you don't even know what a referee is) and comment after he makes a call. If you're not too sure what he did, use a neutral tone of voice that could be interpreted as either sincere or sarcastic.

3) "The pads are really popping out there." Translation: "Those burly guys in padded tights keep running into each other, and it sure looks like it hurts."

4) "Everybody's clutching and grabbing! Nobody's tackling!" Sounding like legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi never fails to impress. Obviously, don't say this right after a linebacker knocks down a running back for a loss. Duh.

5) "That's six points for my fantasy team!" Or, as I heard one woman call it recently, "fake team." Be sure to stuff some nachos in your mouth to avoid follow-up questions.

6) "Do you think Favre will retire?" As in Brett Favre, quarterback for the Packers since 1992. This question has been a hot topic for sports commentators this season, so even if you're not watching a Packers game, you can toss it into conversation during a commercial break. Wait for an answer, then reply, "Yeah, that's what I think too."

7) "Anyone need a beer?" A guaranteed crowd-pleaser. Resist the urge to add, "... or a cosmo?"