Waiting, and waiting, to wed

Published on 11/16/2006 in THE POST-STAR's Go

Here comes the bride, her hair's getting white ...

OK, not quite, but Census Bureau data shows that the marriage age has been steadily rising for Americans in recent decades. Fifty years ago, the average age at first marriage was about 20 for women, 22.5 for men. These days, it's a little older than 25 and 27, respectively.

If that still sounds young, take a peek at the rest of the globe: North America now has the oldest first-time brides of any region in the world (men, the Australians have you beat by a few months), according to recent United Nations study.

Local people who shared their thoughts on this topic had similar ideas about what might be causing this trend. Dr. Paul Etu, a Glens Falls psychologist, said money is a major reason that many couples he counsels are waiting to get married.

"By far and away, the No. 1 issue is finances," he said. "They want to be more financially secure before they get into the marriage."

That was one of the factors that kept Natalie Houde, 32, of Glens Falls, from getting married before this year. She grew up "with parents who played gender-specific roles, with the father as bread winner and mother as domestic housekeeper," and didn't want to feel trapped in the same pattern.

"I was careful to set up relationships where I did not financially rely on the men I dated," she said. "After completing a master's degree and really evaluating the type of man I wanted in my life, I consciously sought someone to marry and have children with."

She ended up marrying a childhood friend, Eric, after the two reconnected through their families. It's only been a few months, she said, but so far, "I really enjoy it."

Krista Klock, 22, of Glens Falls, lives with her boyfriend of three years and said they won't be ready for marriage for at least two more years.

"More and more people are getting married and getting divorced," she said. "With these statistics in mind, most thoughtful people are waiting to make sure their partner is, in fact, someone they are going to be able to spend the rest of their lives with."

Erica Butto, a single 24-year-old business owner, agrees that "divorce is as popular as skinny jeans" in today's society, and she doesn't want to be part of the trend. But lately, she's been questioning the value of getting married in the first place.

"Like most young gals, I dreamt of being Cinderella," she said, admitting that she still checks out the window displays in the local bridal shop whenever she drives past. "The wedding seems to be the exciting thing. But once the presents are opened, and the thank-you letters are sent and the cake is all eaten, it just seems like a regular relationship, only with shared bank accounts."

Etu said that while society's view of marriage may be changing, many people still view it as important.

"I think there's an awful lot of people, men and women, who look at marriage as a stabilizing factor," he said. "And almost everybody who comes in here tells me that they want to get married at some point."
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SIDEBAR:
Dr. Paul Etu, a Glens Falls psychologist who counsels many couples, offers these tips for individuals considering marriage:
* Don't compromise. Make a list of what you consider essential attributes in a life partner (i.e. a college degree, a career, a pet poodle) and what you definitely don't want to spend the rest of your life with (i.e. a smoker, a polygamist, a pet poodle). If your current boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't match the list, walk away and find someone who does.

* Look for red flags. Even though the average marriage age is rising, Etu said he still meets many couples who seem to be rushing into a lifetime commitment. You don't need to nitpick, but you should notice negative patterns (Does she binge drink every weekend? Does he call his mom every morning for wardrobe advice?) that could cause serious long-term damage to the relationship.

* Talk money. Developing a shared financial strategy before you begin to share a checkbook will make things a lot easier for both partners.

* Make time for each other. Etu recommends that couples pick one night a week to turn off the television and discuss practical matters (paying bills, planning a vacation) and anything else that is important to the relationship.
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BY THE NUMBERS
Mrs. Minority?: There are about 3.6 million married women in the United States, and 2.4 million women (age 15 and older) who have never been married. Another million are divorced or separated, and widows bring the total to about 4.2 million women who are not in an active marriage.

Maybe Demi and Ashton are onto something: Women generally live longer than men -- the life expectancy of an American women is 80.1, compared to 74.8 for men -- but in the average American marriage, the groom is two to three years older than the bride. That helps explain why there are more than 800,000 widows and only 195,000 widowers in the nation.

Source: National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau 2005 American Community Survey

Another good reason to wait: The average cost of a wedding is $26,800, including $1,841 for wedding attire; $2,337 for the ceremony; $1,739 for jewelry; $1,136 for flowers; $1,104 for wedding favors and gifts; and $13,692 for the wedding reception.

Source: The 2006 Wedding Statistics and Wedding Market Report